I was angry because I had no shoes - then I seen a man with no feet.

One man's humour is another man's tumour.

One man's steroid is anther man's haemorrhoid.

Give a man enough rope and he'll become a swinger.

Give a woman enough rope and she'll hang for him.

In the land of the blind - the one tie curtain is bling.

Money doesn't grow on trees - it's leveraged exponentially on bankers computers

Never let your rollocks rotate in the rust.

Never let your duck house dangle in the moat.

If at first you don't succeed - fill in your expenses claim again.

If the cap fits - claim for it on expenses.

The more the merrier - how a MP signs an expenses claim.

In for a penny, in for a pound - sorry, it's the MPs' expenses again.

You can lead a cow to slaughter but you cant make it blink.

Don't spill all your seed - or sell all your speed.

Don't pass on the other side - well you can now all the police patrols have gone.

It takes more than two to quango.

All the worlds a cage and all the players are animals.

A turd on the sand is worth two in the holly bush.

If prozac be the mood of love - lay on.

One good tug deserves another.

A good tug helps with a successful docking.

He's flying by the tweet of his rants.

All that twitters is not sold - Or is it!

When life's a twitch you get one.

Beware of geeks offering solutions.

Better mate than never.

Every man has a price and every gran has her vice.

Seeing is believing but weeing is relieving.

Talk is cheap - but politicians cost a fortune.

The law is an ass and so are the assholes that make it.

The pen is mightier than the sword but a good blade cant half keep a pencil sharp.

The keyboard is mightier than the crayon - but it's hard to chew on either of them.

The price of liberty is eternal vigilance yet a lot of people still look the other way.

The road to hell... is the one that goes to London.

To err is human - to defer is ignorance and cowardice.

The child is the father of the man - too often nowadays it's the mother of the woman.

Never give a sucker an even break - is secretly written into every tory manifesto.

Never give a socialist sucker a break - is blatently written into every labour manifesto.

Power is an aphrodisiac - that's why electricity prices keep rising.

Half my friends are witty and as solid as an old anvil - yes they are; old, well hammered half wits

A volunteer is worth 20 zero hour workers.

Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder - and real ale makes the fart go yonder.

Early to bed and late to rise makes a pensioner healthy and wealthy enough to pay the fuel bills.

The truth will out - in thirty years, if you are a politician or a policeman.

There's no such thing as a free lunch - said the lobbyist, pointing with his fork.

Most politicians are like bad architects - a waste of space.

Eskimos have over twenty words for snow - politicians have over thirty words for how it lies.

Most people who sing the chorus of American Pie have never heard of Buddy Holly.

I must go down to the sea again - I cant afford a holiday in spain now.

I wanted to be a stuntman - but I fell down the stairs on the way to the auditions.

I wanted to be an actor - but the course was filled up by politicians.

I wanted to be a liar - but I couldn't get a word in for the politicians.

I wanted to talk to a politician - but they were too busy reading the undercover cops reports.

I wanted to talk to a policeman - but...well where do you start.

I wanted to tell the truth - but...see above.

I wanted to be a wannabe - but have you seen the length of the queue.

I wanted to cast the first stone - but the foreign owner of the quarry would charge me for it.

to be cont...